The Price of Protection: Snooping vs Spying: Where Should Parents Draw the Line?

Design: Ashley Britton/SheKnows.

There it is—your teen’s phone, unexpectedly and momentarily left unattended. Maybe you’re tempted to guess the passcode, or perhaps you already know it because that’s the rule in your house. Either way, you suddenly feel an overwhelming urge to check what your child is up to online. But parents, resist the temptation!

When did we decide it’s acceptable to snoop on our kids’ phones? Because it’s not.

In the context of parenting, snooping and spying both involve monitoring a child’s activities, but they differ in intent, method, and transparency.

• Snooping typically refers to casually or occasionally checking on your child’s activities, often driven by curiosity or concern. It might involve glancing at their phone when they leave it unattended or reading their messages without their knowledge. Snooping is usually done without a formal agreement or consistent practice and often without the child’s awareness.

• Spying, on the other hand, is a more deliberate and systematic approach to monitoring. It involves actively seeking out information about your child’s activities, often using covert methods like secretly installing tracking apps, reading their private conversations, or even following their online behaviour in a way that is hidden from them. Spying is generally done without the child’s consent or knowledge, and it suggests a deeper level of mistrust.

Both behaviours can harm the parent-child relationship, but spying is often seen as more invasive and damaging due to its secretive and sustained nature.

Time to ‘Pause to Ponder’

The Ethics and Impact of Parents Snooping on Their Kids’ Phones

In today’s digital age, where smartphones are ubiquitous, the question of whether parents should snoop on their kids’ phones has become a hotly debated issue. On one side, parents argue that monitoring their children’s online activities is necessary to protect them from potential dangers. On the other, many believe that such behaviour erodes trust, invades privacy, and can cause long-term damage to the parent-child relationship.

Let’s explore the ethical considerations, potential consequences, and possible alternatives to snooping.

The Case for Snooping

Parents’ primary concern is, of course, the safety of their children. The internet is rife with threats, from cyberbullying and inappropriate content to online predators and exposure to harmful ideologies. According to a Pew Research Center survey, 61% of parents say they have checked which websites their teens have visited, and 48% have looked through their teen’s phone calls and messages. For many, this behaviour stems from a genuine desire to shield their children from harm.

Beyond safety, some parents view snooping as a way to stay connected with their children’s lives, especially as they enter adolescence—a period often marked by increased secrecy and a desire for independence. With smartphones being central to social interaction, knowing what their kids are up to can offer parents peace of mind.

BUT….

The Ethical Dilemma

While the intention behind snooping may be protective, the practice raises significant ethical questions. One of the most pressing concerns is the invasion of privacy. Adolescence is a critical time for developing a sense of self, and privacy plays a vital role in this process. When parents intrude on their children’s personal space, it can send a message that their privacy is not respected, potentially stunting their growth into independent adults.

Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and snooping can severely damage it. If children discover that their parents have been secretly monitoring their phones, it can lead to feelings of betrayal and resentment. This breach of trust can create a rift that is difficult to repair, undermining open communication—a key element in guiding children through the challenges of growing up.

The Impact on the Parent-Child Relationship

The repercussions of snooping can be far-reaching. Research suggests that overly controlling parenting, including behaviours like snooping, or spying, can lead to increased anxiety and depression in children. When kids feel like they are under constant surveillance, they may become more secretive, taking greater measures to hide their activities. This can push them toward more risky behaviours, as they seek to assert their independence away from parental eyes.

Additionally, when trust is broken, children are less likely to turn to their parents for advice or support when they face real problems. This can leave them vulnerable, navigating complex issues alone rather than seeking the guidance they need.

Alternatives to Snooping

Given the potential negative consequences, it’s important for parents to consider alternatives to snooping that still allow them to keep their children safe. Open communication is paramount.

By fostering an environment where children feel comfortable discussing their online experiences, parents can stay informed without resorting to secretive measures.

Setting clear guidelines and expectations around phone use is another effective strategy. Parents can work with their children to establish rules that promote responsible behaviour online. This might include agreed-upon limits on screen time, rules about what content is appropriate, and discussions about the dangers of sharing personal information.

For younger children or those who are particularly vulnerable, parental control software can be a compromise. These tools allow parents to monitor for specific risks, like inappropriate content or interactions with strangers, without reading every message or checking every app.

THINK: It’s ruining your chance for conversation — and connection.

If you’re concerned about your child, and your first approach to this problem is to try to hack their computer or phone, you’ve just blown an opportunity — whether you get found out or not. You’ve missed a chance to connect. It’s much better to talk and start by saying “Hey, I love you, and I’m worried because of XYX. Can we talk this through together?”

That’s always going to be the best first choice. Opt for discussion over accusation, no matter what your suspicions are.

While the desire to protect your children is completely natural, parents must weigh the potential benefits of snooping / spying against the ethical implications and potential harm to their relationship with their child. Trust and communication are key components of a healthy parent-child dynamic, and these can be undermined by secretive monitoring. By focusing on open dialogue and mutual respect, parents can help guide their children through the digital landscape without compromising their privacy or their relationship.

So start early. Foster an open, nurturing environment with your child — but don’t be afraid to establish from the beginning that having a phone or laptop and various social media apps is a privilege, and never, ever a right. 

But also respect that teens, in particular, are striving to become independent from  you and want to test your boundaries – it’s far better to talk not snoop!