I’ve recently been working with a lovely Mum who has felt rather exhausted by her child’s behaviour. When conflict happens it’s easy to feel threatened. We often find ourselves thinking, “How dare you treat me like this!”
BUT conflict can get worse if we respond out of our OWN threatened feelings. When you are emotional you can’t think clearly.
I always point out to the parents that I work with that there are HIDDEN GOALS behind your child’s behaviour and you have to become a Sherlock Holmes and become a detective to find out what’s really behind the challenging behaviour. ( Turn it into a game for yourself and it feels more fun!)
Spot the goal and you can respond in a more effective way that will meet the needs of your child.
So here are some goals behind their behaviour.
Attention Seeking – means you are not giving them the positive, encouraging and engaging attention they are looking for. So ask yourself “Am I on my mobile phone a lot of the time and ignoring my child?” Perhaps you could imagine you have a camcorder on your shoulder recording YOUR behaviour and noticing what you are doing when you are with your child.
Trying To Organise Everyone Else – is about feelings of power and control. How can you teach your child to take a lead but not take over?
Acting Helpless – so you will pity and rescue them. How can you give your child more responsibility and independence ?
Trying To Hurt Other People Emotionally and Physically – is about getting a sense of revenge perhaps if they have been denied something. So how can you teach them that there are rules and boundaries that need to be respected and that you don’t hurt another if you feel angry or frustrated ( that’s why smacking doesn’t work)
There are lots more in my book “Raising Happy Children For Dummies” if you’d like more ideas or give me call and let’s work together to sort your family discipline out free from finger pointing!