‘I can’t STAND my Ex’ – But Here’s Why It’s IMPORTANT To Work Together During Your Divorce.
Posted by: Sue Atkins
It’s National Mediation Week this week.
Most parents don’t know the options that are available to divorcing couples rather than the aggressive ‘Going to Court’ option. Most solicitors in fact don’t favour taking your case to Court as it is expensive and can be very damaging to everyone in the family, particularly your children.
Mediation is a good option – and it DOESN’T mean trying to get back together.
Mediation is an effective way of resolving your dispute without the need to go to court. It involves an independent third party – a mediator – who helps both sides come to an agreement.
Mediation is a flexible process and the role of the mediator is to help both of you to reach a solution to your divorce and to arrive at an outcome that both of you are happy to accept. Mediators avoid taking sides, making judgements or giving guidance. They are simply responsible for developing effective communications and building consensus between the parties. The focus of a mediation meeting is to reach a common sense settlement agreeable to both of you.
Mediation is a voluntary process and will only take place if both parties agree. It is a confidential process where the terms of discussion are not disclosed to any party outside the mediation hearing.
It is far less confrontational and upsetting. Not always easy, but worth it for the long term wellbeing of your whole family during this time of transition and change.
If you are unable to reach agreement, you can still go to court. Details about what went on at the mediation will not be disclosed or used at a court hearing.
Both of you share the cost of mediation, which will depend on the value and complexity of your circumstances and what you can agree as amicably as possible.
To help you navigate the journey through Divorce I’ve recently launched a new series of free Divorce videos called -> Divorce Step by Step.
Divorce Step By Step has been set up specifically to help you address the range of issues and matters you have to face when going through a divorce. I have been through the process myself so I know 1st hand how you are feeling and what you are going to go through.
I have come out the other side, stronger and fitter in every sense of the word. It’s not easy but with the right help and guidance the Divorce Step By Step videos will help you to help yourself make it less of a minefield.
I think it’s really important that you remember that divorce is a process NOT an event.
No two divorce situations are identical, but I believe sharing your story will be extremely helpful to other people going through the same process. Simply email me your divorce story. All contributions will be edited to keep the identity of everyone anonymous and names will be replaced with initials and we won’t publish any anonymous contributions.
The website is not a place to vent your anger at your ex – it’s a place to get information, ideas & strategies and it’s my intention to empower you to make good decisions going forward.
Why It’s Important To Work Together During Your Divorce.
It’s a difficult and challenging time going through a divorce but for the sake of your children’s long term wellbeing try and work together.
Here are some co-parenting strategies.
- Plan and agree on what you will both say before you talk to your children. This will help to avoid mixed messages, which can confuse and really distress your children.
- Look at the benefits of telling your children together rather than individually.
- Work on overcoming the ‘blame’ mentality and the feeling that the divorce must be someone’s fault.
- Look for ways to avoid making your children feel that they must take sides.
- Try to take the emotional charge out of telling your children by making sure you are in a good emotional place first.I think it’s helpful to remember that divorce changes but it does not end a family. Your children are now members of two families.
- Ending your marriage isn’t just a legal matter; you must also work through numerous personal stages and may go through many emotional hurdles as you progress through a divorce.
- Remember that you are teaching your children respect, dignity, and compassion in stressful situations. They haven’t fallen out of love with the other parent, you have.
- You are a role model and how you handle this major event is a blueprint for how they handle stressful situations in their lives.
- If you appear calm and in control most of the time, your children feel more secure. Be realistic and honest with your children, but also find a safe outlet for you to let off steam, cry, rant, and vent your frustrations just don’t do it in front of your children.
- Like most things in life, divorce is a process not an event. How you view the process is very important. If you see divorce as a negative, painful, angry, aggressive, guilt-laden time, then it will be exactly that. If you see it as a major life crisis that can be handled in a positive way with dignity and a step towards a new life with new opportunities, then it will be so.
Managing your emotionsRemember divorce a process NOT an event. Get the emotional support you need and your children will come through this process less damaged, less stressed and able to handle the transition and change well.