Be Unsinkable – Ways to Handle Major Change.
Posted by: Sue Atkins
It’s Time To Let Go of What Was…
I work with many parents going through the trauma of divorce and many of the people I coach are stuck and the reason I know this is I have been there myself.
The reason that they are stuck is perfectly normal as life has changed beyond measure – whether they instigated the divorce or not.
Life will never be the same but holding on to the negative events of the past and wishing things were different or dwelling on what happened is NOT going to change the past or help you move forward.
Nothing is going to change the past.
But how you react now will definitely change & influence your future!
Although I know what it’s like to go round and round in your head wishing it was different, wishing you had changed that, kept on top of that, been more aware of that, listened to that, not delegated that, not trusted that ….
Not one of these messages will help you heal but they will definitely keep you swirling in the mire of mixed feelings and keep you stuck.
Holding on to your past will dramatically affect your present and will definitely and inevitably affect your future.
Decide Which Direction To Take.
When a traumatic event occurs in our lives, we have a choice to make:
- Do we suffer through it all and quickly run back to safety and the way it was before – manufacturing the same or similar patterns of how it was before the break up. Getting a new mortgage, buying our own car, finding a safe and secure job and playing small after all we have suffered a major life change. Staying within our Comfort Zone and hoping and praying that we will never have to go through THAT again.
The trouble is that the Safety Zone isn’t very fulfilling as it is often filled with the mundane and the predicable and with feelings of loneliness, unhappiness and where emptiness can creep in – but at least it’s a safe, predicable place where you can’t get hurt again!
- Do we choose to take the brave, uncertain path and leave behind the past and let go of “what was” and learn to grow, learn, understand and look for the lessons in the challenging experience.
- Do we take the “ in – between” path – where you suffer through the calamity, hang on for dear life during the white knuckle ride through the rapids only to stop half way and sit on the fence – stuck between a new life full of new opportunities and stuck between clinging on to security and your old way of life full of familiarity and safety.
In other words you want to take the big leap of faith but fear is holding you back.
This is the toughest place to be – as it is fraught with anxiety, fear, doubt, longing, despair and sadness as well as excitement & uncertainty.
This is the most confusing place of all to be.
I find many people on my workshops fall into this category.
They know that they want to make a change but they are unsure of what steps to take to move in a new direction.
They are suffering from fear – fear of letting go, fear of the unknown, fear of making a mistake, fear of getting something wrong, fear of what others will think or say, fear of looking silly, pathetic or foolish, fear of being happy again !
Fear is perfectly normal.
Fear doesn’t simply go away by having a drink, walking in the woods, talking to a good friend, or eating a cream cake – as fear wakes you up in the middle of the night at 3 am biting into your stomach and transfixing you with anxiety.
But what you can do is shift your relationship with fear.
Instead of retreating when your feel afraid, feel excited.
When you feel fear creeping in, embrace it and move towards it and breath.
Stay centred, stay grounded and change the language and words you use inside your head deliberately.
So instead of saying “I feel completely frozen in fear” try saying “I’m feeling a bit apprehensive about what’s happening next”
Instead of saying “I’m terrified” say “I’m a bit unsure at the moment”
Fear of failure has one thing in common with all of our other fears: It is a feeling and not a fact so change your language to one of understatement and watch your fear subside
“There are no failures — just experiences and your reactions to them.” — Thomas Krause
To work personally with me go to => 6 Week “Separation – Putting Your Children First” Coaching Programme