So is it a good idea to bribe your kids to behave? |

So is it a good idea to bribe your kids to behave?

Is it a good idea to bribe kids to behave?

I have been asked to appear on the Vanessa Feltz Show tomorrow that will be aired on TV in April to give my opinion on bribing kids to behave ……

I’d love to hear your opinions and experiences so why not post them up here and let’s hear them !

So…… here are my thoughts !

There are so many important reasons why it’s not a great idea to bribe kids in order to get them to behave, and I have seen lots of kids who displayed superficial behaviour because they are just bribed by their parents to behave well.

Here are some of the typical questions I ask all my parents who work with me is:

“What are you teaching your children if you bribe them to behave?

“What are they learning about you, Life, relationships and the way the world works from your actions?”

Who’s driving the bus, holding the keys and got all the power if you bribe your kids to do as they are told?”

“What at the long term repercussions to their behaviour if you bribe them to behave?”

“What will happen as they hit the teen years?”

“Are they learning to self regulate themselves and learning to control their own behaviour long term?

“What a happens when you are NOT there to discipline them?”

To me, bribing isn’t the best way of training our children to become good citizens, adults or parents as it brings out lots of negative aspects, and here are just a few of them.

THEY WILL HAVE CONDITIONAL OBEDIENCE.

This means they will behave only because they can get something in return. Children need to behave because they know it is the right thing to do. I think our job as parents is be confident, assured and clear in our own minds about why we want our children to behave, be well mannered, do as they are told and to be pleasant to be around, because once you are clear about the WHY the rest is easy.

We must instill in their minds that good behaviour can’t be bought or sold and that it comes from their inner self. I believe that good behaviour determines your child’s future – as it sets them up to learn more effectively at school, have more friends as they are more socially pleasant to be around and teaches them to have self control in all sorts of circumstances.

So grab a cup of coffee and a pen and jot down WHY you want your kids to behave.

In my best selling book “Raising Happy Children for Dummies” I suggest that is makes your life easier in the long run ! But there are also lots and lots of practical ideas there too to help you discipline your children firmly, fairly and consistently so take a look in Chapter 13.

BRIBERY TEACHES KIDS TO BE DISHONEST.

Most kids who are used to be bribed by adults will lie to defend themselves when they make mistakes, or get things wrong. Also children who are used to being bribed to behave will only display good behaviour when someone is watching but when they are by themselves they often act very differently from what you expect.

Bringing up children and disciplining them takes hard work, commitment and lots of patience as well as lots of energy but if you get clear on WHY you want them to conform to your rules, and you praise them often and very specifically, you will all enjoy growing up together so you can focus on having fun with them not nagging, cajoling or arguing with them to do as they are told

You are your child’s primary role model in all you do, say and in how you act so just remember they take all their lead from you, so if you find you are having to resort to bribing your kids to do as they are told then start to work on your own confidence first.

Love to hear your thoughts !

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About the author

Sue Atkins is a Parenting Expert who offers practical guidance for bringing up happy, confident, well behaved children. She is also the author of “Raising Happy Children for Dummies” one in the famous black and yellow series published worldwide and the highly acclaimed Parenting Made Easy CDs. She regularly appears on BBC Breakfast and The Jeremy Vine Show on BBC Radio 2 and her parenting articles are published all over the world.

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Sue Atkins the Parenting Expert
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Comments (20)

GummyLump.com

March 07, 2011 at 3:00 pm · Reply

I think it depends on what you’re trying to get them to do. In some cases I find bribery (or shall we call it compromise) an ok way to keep things civil and both parent and child get something they want. For example, if my child wants to have another 10 minutes to play before bedtime but I still want my night to be done at the same time I’ll “bribe” them and say “Ok 10 more minutes is just fine BUT you’re trading that in for the pretend story Mommy tells you. If that’s ok, then you can play another 10 minutes.”

BUT, if I’m asking them to pick up something they threw in anger the deal is “I know you felt angry when you threw that but it’s not ok. To make it right you need to pick up your toy and put it where it belongs.”
GummyLump.com

March 07, 2011 at 3:02 pm · Reply

I forgot to say that I “bribe” for potty with my son. He hates being cold and doesn’t like to sit on the potty in the morning (won’t go standing up). I tell him something like “The movie you like is waiting on the iPad for you. It’ll turn on after morning potty is done.” Is it so bad?
- sueatkins
  
  March 08, 2011 at 2:30 pm
  
  It’s about pondering what you want them to learn from you long term I think and the messages you are sending them.
Melitsa

March 07, 2011 at 9:25 pm · Reply

I’ve only ever seen this work on the TV. Never thought it was really a good idea in real life. I understand that sometimes you have to do what you have to do but it really can’t be a long term strategy and when I’ve seen it, on tv, it’s been usually the only strategy to get them to do what you want.

No instant results, I’m afraid. Over time is the better way. I can’t imagine anything worse than the kids thinking they only need to do something IF they get money. Screws up their values system.
- sueatkins
  
  March 08, 2011 at 2:28 pm
  
  Yes the best question to ask yourself is – What are they learning from this? as it helps you gain clarity!
Laurie Cooper

March 08, 2011 at 1:23 pm · Reply

I couldn’t agree more! Bribing your child actually encourages the exact behavior you’re trying to eliminate. They learn pretty quickly that if I want ‘this’ all I have to do is ‘this’ until I get it. REALLY bad idea. Bribing is a short term fix with long lasting consequences for the child and the parent. And I like your point about ‘conditional obedience’. Will they learn to ‘sell out’ to the highest bidder? Not a good idea! It’s not always easy, but it’s SO important to be consistent and firm with your kids. It will ultimately teach them to be confident and assured.
- sueatkins
  
  March 08, 2011 at 2:24 pm
  
  Yes confidence and consistency are the key to successful parenting all round really isn’t it?
Mary Klaebel

March 08, 2011 at 2:23 pm · Reply

I can appreciate the point of this post. I think it’s a matter of setting expectations and rewards for meeting them.

When my children were little, I would tell them that if they behaved at the grocery store until after I paid for the food, I would give them each a quarter for the little candy/toy machines at the front of the store. This way, they would get something, they would get to choose it and they had incentive to behave (i.e. not beg for everything they saw or throw a tantrum). I would prepare them before the shopping trip: “We are going to the store to buy food. I need you both to behave for me. That means to sit in the cart and keep your hands to yourself. No fighting or begging. If you do, I will give you a quarter for the candy machine after I pay for the food.” They knew my expectation. And that I would withhold the reward if they didn’t hold up their end of things.

Over time, I “forgot” to give them the quarters now and again, but the behavior had become natural to them. By the time both were in elementary school, no further bribery was needed.

So, I think if you use something small to reward good behavior, it can be a positive. The key is to phase out the reward as the behavior becomes ingrained.
Fiona

March 09, 2011 at 12:44 am · Reply

Hi there – I don’t think I know any parents who haven’t bribed at some point. Bribery as a habit and the only way to get your kids to behave has to be a no-no; but I think it has it’s place in the toolbox of parenting. We tend to reframe bribes into rewards or presuppositions on a timeline e.g. When you have done x you’ll be able to do y….. i.e. you choose to do this and you’ll get an intrinsic reward, rather than “if you do x you can have y” – very similar and yet very different propositions. Bribery is only another name for conditioning and we only usually do things because they have a positive outcome for us – the skill is to understand the positive outcomes that our children are looking to achieve and find ways of satisfying them….. so, if your child habitually misbehaves in the supermarket, what are they trying to achieve? it might be that they want attention because they are bored – so either entertain them or give them something to take their mind off the boredom – we used to give them apples to eat or I sometimes used to sing to them while walking round the supermarket….. I got some funny looks but it worked, on the other hand, you might choose that, in this instance bribery is the easiest and best option. As an adult, I bribe myself the whole time “I can have a coffee when I’ve finished this bit of work” – it works wonderfully for short term goals. We used chocolate buttons for potty training and it worked wonders, but the kids didn’t need the chocolate for more than a few days after they were dry. Bribery has it’s place. F
- sueatkins
  
  March 10, 2011 at 9:23 am
  
  Hi Fiona
  Thanks for taking the time to comment. I agree positive reinforcement, praise, distraction and getting kids involved as it’s all part of the toolbox isn’t it? I used to sing in the supermarket, get them to help me find the Postman Pat spagetti (well it was quite awhile ago that mine were small!) and reward the behaviour I did want to see with hugs, loads of praise and as a teacher – stickers. I also have used the “Easy” button with clients for potty training to tidying bedrooms and toys away ! http://sueatkinsparentingcoach.com/17041/
  
  On the Vanessa Show people gave Star Wars figures for eating their breakfast, £40 for singing to Grandma and 50p to a 3 year old to come downstairs to come home after a party – so it’s about balance and trying to manage a short term fix for maybe preventing a long term disaster! It’s also about the confidence of the parent to insist some things you do just because you have to do them!
Dana Smith

March 10, 2011 at 3:55 pm · Reply

How do you feel about bribery for older kids/teens, for example, I’ll pay you $1000 if you don’t smoke/drink (fill in the blank) before you’re XX years old.
- sueatkins
  
  March 10, 2011 at 4:31 pm
  
  It’s not about what I think – it’s always about what works for you!
Coach Carl

May 08, 2011 at 5:57 pm · Reply

Sue, great article! A parents role is about influence, but influencing who are children are being and how they show up in the world is the key. Bribing kids disempowers them at the core, it trains them to be good doers instead of great people. When a child feels great about who they are they make better and more empowering choices. A bribe is another way of telling a child, “i dont trust or believe in your greatness”. Parents who do believe and expand a child’s greatness, the core of who they are, whole,complete and perfect, will find that there is no need to bribe them of anything. They will do great things because its simply WHO THEY ARE!

As always i enjoy reading your articles Sue.

Coach Carl
http://www.EveryChildHealthy.com
- sueatkins
  
  May 09, 2011 at 4:02 pm
  
  Thank you Carl I really appreciate your comments and I agree with you, children need to do things from a place of responsibility and not just because they “get something.” It’s about balancing the short term easy win with taking the longer term one.
Luma

June 21, 2011 at 11:02 am · Reply

Hi Sue, Interesting article,
You mentioned ‘positive reinforcement’ and ‘praise’ as somehow different to a ‘bribe’. Where do you draw the line? Maybe a difinition of what you mean by ‘bribe’ would be useful to avoid confusion.

I would define a bribe as an external reward to change a child’s behaviour that is not related directly to what is being asked of the child. In this case ‘praise’ becomes another for of manipulation clouding the reality why we are making the request..

As a little boy I remember my mother using praise a lot to coerce me to ‘behave’…as an adult I became addicted to approval seeking as consequence of this particularly powerful ‘bribe’. To avoid this trap I ask my children how they feel about their different kinds of behaviour along with the effects they have.

As a father, in recent years I have spent less and less time trying to ‘get my children to behave’ and more time relating honestly with them about my needs and theirs… along with natural causes and effects.

I have also spend a lot of time eating humble pie when faced with ‘undesirable behaviours’. My first question being…how is my children showing my own dysfunctional behaviour (usually magfinied)

Only after I address my own ‘bad habits’ do I then share the value in doing so to my children. I agree with your statement that we have to become confident in the ‘rightness’ of what we’re requesting before we expect our children to come on board. If we’re not convinced, how can we expect our children to be?

So to cut a long reply short… Bribes are great for creating short term fixes and long term problems. To grow a responsible, empowered and compassionate human being takes a lot more commitment to the present moment and personal integrity than an external reward can provide.

Cheers,
Luma
sueatkins

June 25, 2011 at 1:21 pm · Reply

I really agree Luma that bribes are great for creating short term fixes and long term problems – we all use the odd bribe from time to time but as you say purely bribing kids doesn’t really empower them with self control does it ?
Sue
Rodney C. Davis

September 05, 2011 at 12:18 pm · Reply

While delivering parenting courses I often stress the need for de-mystifying the discipline problem. More often than not, the problem is the parent-child relationship. In such cases, spending more time on enhancing the relationship is the thing to do instead of shooting oneself in the foot by focusing on child compliance. But one parent once asked me if that is not the same as “bribing the child.” I told her that I didn’t think so, because I see bribery as closer to what Sue is discussing in this post. But the parent insisted that it was still bribery. Rather than disagreeing with her, I told her that if relationship-building is an example of bribery, then bribery should be a good thing in her book.
BalancedMum.com

March 15, 2012 at 8:15 am · Reply

Fascinating topic Sue,
I think the definition of bribe is key. Positive praise, bribe and reward – I think they are all different, but some people may not.

I use positive praise when they are trying things which they find hard or if they are starting to exhibit helpful behaviour (like putting their clothes in the washing basket), as a means of encouragement. I do worry sometimes that they will require positive feedback from people later in life though.

I also use reward systems to create a new habit. At the moment my youngest is trying to stop sucking his thumb. He gets a point for each day and when he has ten he can have a pack of deadly 60 collector cards. Once the non-sucking thumb habit is embedded, the “bribe?” becomes redundant.

For me, a bribe is “if you do X I will give you Y” – short term and instant. I don’t use physical bribes for short term behaviour. I do explain consequences though – If you don’t get your shoes on in the next minute, we will be late for the party!!!

Good luck with your show
sueatkins

March 16, 2012 at 6:29 pm · Reply

Oooooh sounds like you’ve got it all cracked !