As a Deputy Head and class teacher for 22 years I’ve heard my fair share of ‘porky pies’ ranging from ‘My homework fell into the blender as I was making my breakfast smoothie’ to  ‘I thought you gave me 20 stickers this morning’ to ‘Mrs Brown said I could help myself to all this colourful paper out of your cupboard’

All kids lie occasionally and there is a variety of different reasons why they do it depending on their age and maturity, to their confidence and circumstances but regardless of the reason it’s about teaching them about the importance of integrity, honesty and doing & saying the right thing even when no one is watching.

• Very young children don’t understand the difference between what the truth is and what isn’t. Therefore, your toddlers ‘lie’  may often stem from innocent fantasy rather than deliberate deception because children at this age frequently engage in ‘wishful thinking’ It’s like when they tell you that they have washed their hands after going to the toilet when you know they are  fibbing.

• Children often lie in an attempt to hide something they know they’ve done wrong in order to avoid the shame, embarrassment or disapproval and the negative consequences they know will follow.

• Kids often lie to avoid your rules e.g. lying about having completed homework in order to be able to go out to play, say they have brushed their teeth because they don’t fancy doing it, or say they didn’t eat the chocolate biscuit as they know you’ll get cross.

Kids often lie to avoid your disapproval  as for some children the last thing they want to do is disappoint you.

• Children with low self-esteem sometimes ‘lie’ or exaggerate the truth,  as a way to impress others or to fit in with their friends or school peers.

Also some children who are feeling insecure may even invent scenarios to try to get your attention and interest – as any attention is better than no attention at all.

But when your child repeatedly & deliberately  lies to you it hurts.

As parents, it makes us angry and we naturally take it personally and feel disappointed in our kids and it makes us feel like we can never trust our child again.

Why does lying cause such anger, pain and worry for parents?

The reason why you may feel so affronted is that lying hits one of your core values and when one of your  of your important life values has been broken you feel violated and upset or angry.

My approach is to help you to try looking at the problem another way.

• Instead of punishing every single fib, try to make sure that you create a safe environment for your children to feel safe telling you  the truth.

• Be aware of how you encourage the truth in your house and how you respond to misbehaviour, mistakes & accidents  in general because if you are too harsh , too unforgiving  & and too controlling you create and air of anxiety in your home and an air of perfection that may be stressful.

• Don’t set your child up for  the opportunity to tell you a lie by asking questions to which you already know the answer ! Give them a ‘get out of jail card’ or  way to save face.

• Try to step back from the situation for a moment and press an imaginary ‘Pause Button’ like on your remote control DVD player as it just gives you a moment to immediately detach from the situation to assess perhaps WHY they feel the need to lie to you.

• Praise your child when they tell the truth so they learn that you value honesty – and of course always model honesty and truthfulness yourself.

• Create an environment where mistakes are a way to learn from. Read the story of the famous scientist who spilt milk http://sueatkinsparentingcoach.com/263/

• Make sure you use the opportunity to talk and teach your kids about what you expect from them and why telling the truth is important. A good way to do this is to read books with those sort of themes which give a clear message that lying is not right; ‘The Boy who Cried Wolf’ but don’t lecture!

• Show unconditional love – where you show your kids that you love them but not the behaviour.

• Give your child the chance to make amends and don’t label them as ‘The one we can’t trust – the one who tells lies’

• Stay involved in your child’s life and encourage them to be truthful with you. Children of all ages who have good communication with their parents and talk with them about what they’re doing are less likely to engage in antisocial behaviour.

 When you need to know the truth

Sometimes children lie to keep a secret or to protect someone. For example, a child who has been bullied will often lie to protect the bully. Often the child is afraid  that they will be punished if they tell. If you suspect your child is lying about a serious matter:

• Give them lots of reassurance that they will be safe if they tell the truth.

• Confidently explain that no one ‘deserves’ to be bullied and that bullying is NOT OK  and that needs to be dealt with  but reassure your child that you will be discreet if how you tell their teacher or the school so as not to make things worse.

If you find that your child frequently lies as part of a larger pattern of inappropriate behaviours such stealing, lighting fires or hurting animals you might want to seek professional help from your doctor, or school psychologist.

The key thing is to talk and teach your child about the behaviour you DO want to encourage and see more of,  and be consistent with praise – build bridges not walls between you of honesty and trust.

Falling over

Here’s a story from my never ending notebook and everlasting coloured pencil from Dave Mason from www.hypknowsis.com © 2006 today.

“When I was a student, I went out one winter’s afternoon and I found that my old car wouldn’t start. I had been up all night getting my thesis finished…the final part of my degree… I had spent so long on it…. In fact I had been working on it without sleep for days….I was exhausted.

I had finished 365 pages and it was all tied up. I had to get it into the mail before my deadline. It was very important to me. If I didn’t get it right this time….well I didn’t know what would happen….. and so I reluctantly set out to walk to the Post Office ten blocks away. The weather was terrible, it was grey and miserable….there was slush on the roads and icy patches on the pavement. After all my hard work it was just so unfair to be held back like this.

I started to walk very very carefully at first… being very careful where I put my feet…. and then as I got going I got more confident…. I was in a hurry to get there…I began to pay less attention… and suddenly I found myself flat on my back… sore and bruised… I lay there winded…. and imagined everyone laughing at me.

I felt like giving up there and then, you know? Maybe my effort wasn’t all that good anyway….I could have spent more time on it….I had no idea if it would be good enough….maybe I was kidding myself….maybe I wasn’t going to pass anyway…. at that moment I don’t know if I even wanted the degree…..I didn’t know if it had been worth all that effort….Maybe I wasn’t meant to pass…. the car, the sleep…. the snow….

 But as I sat there feeling stupid and sore and disappointed and wondering what the point was, I saw myself reflected in a shop window. I saw myself sitting there in the snow and slush looking ridiculous. I looked so silly, I began to laugh. And the people passing by began to laugh with me… and two of them, total strangers, helped me up.

 And they didn’t know it, but inside I was still laughing. Because I had seen something else reflected in that shop window. I had caught a glimpse of how far I had come. I realised that compared to how far I had come, I had really only a tiny way to go. Just get to the Post Office and it was all over.

I had slipped and fallen quite badly… I had hurt myself….I had been laughed at….but I could laugh at myself.

You can always laugh at yourself, can’t you?

Looking back at it,…. I had actually made a lot of progress along the road. Maybe I was unrealistic, maybe I was trying too hard….but I realised that when you slip, you never slip all the way back to the beginning.

My fall was only an interruption…. I was still on my way to the Post Office. It was a slip, it wasn’t the end of the journey, but it wasn’t the beginning either. You get to keep what you have achieved so far, don’t you?. The distance I had covered was still there, and all the progress I had made still counted. I could see where I was going.

 So I rubbed my sore back, decided to pay more attention to bad patches in future and I went on…. bruised and embarrassed, but proud of what I had achieved… and knowing that I had learned something….. ”

What can you learn from this story?

What could you let go of?

How could you relax and see just how far you’ve come?

What’s the message you could pass on to your kids today from this story?

Peter and Helen came to see me because as a newly married step family they were having some problems with Helen’s older children of 13 and 15 listening to Peter when he told them to tidy their room or to help around the house. The kids were angry and shouted, “You’re not my real Dad”

We talked through how stepchildren have to come to terms with lots of new and often confusing situations – their “new” family, their parent’s new partner, their new stepbrothers or sisters and a whole new way of life, different rules, different schools, and different routines.

I helped them see, that from their kids point of view, the whole “newness” of the situation left Helen’s children feeling isolated, confused, anxious, and slightly resentful. I also helped to dispel the pressure for them all to be a instantly ‘perfect family’, as I explained that it takes time and patience to get to know one another and build up trust.

We looked at practical ways Peter could spend time relaxing and doing things with Helen’s kids that were enjoyable. So they started to go bowling every Thursday and after a month Peter said things had really improved naturally and they were all feeling more positive.

I also helped Peter notice the way he spoke to Helen’s children. I told him to imagine that he had a camcorder on his shoulder observing   how he spoke to the children – his tone of voice, his body language and his attitude when he spoke to them.  He noticed that he was nervous and came across rather abruptly so we practised ways he could speak to the kids, and things he could say that would make him feel back in control and more relaxed yet still focused on the goal of getting their rooms cleaned up.

Peter gave them limited choices of when he needed their rooms tidied by and it worked!

From these very simple, yet practical tips Peter’s relationship with Helen’s children really improved. The kids began to trust, like and have fun with Peter and when he spoke to them about tidying their bedroom – they smiled and reluctantly tidied their room so everyone was happy.

As a former Deputy Head & class teacher for 22 years before becoming an author & broadcaster I am fascinated as the £5 billion budget for pupils with learning difficulties is rising fast – but is the money being used to cope with a new tide of poor parenting and failed teaching?

I work in many schools now running my Beat Bullying – Confidence Classes for Kids and I see so many different approaches to how schools are run, how they cope with children who are less polite, more unruly and unable to concentrate and also how they allocate their resources for special needs children who covers a HUGE umbrella of diagnoses.

Here’s my article “Special Needs” is like an umbrella sheltering and hiding a huge collection of diagnoses underneath.

In a primary school in Surrey, the head teacher recalls among the four-year-olds joining the reception class, she had several who had not been toilet-trained. She put it down to inadequate parenting and sent them home until they had learnt to use a lavatory. “I’m not a social worker,” she told their families. They, however, kicked up a fuss, so she turned to the local education authority for support. Their suggestion was that she place the children on the special educational needs (SEN) register.

But is that the right thing to do ? Surely that’s taking valuable resources away from children with real special and unique needs.

Many experts fear that funds earmarked to help children with learning difficulties are being redirected to cope with a new tide of social deprivation that is washing up in the classroom. Children from troubled homes, who turn up at schools with behavioural problems, are being routinely put on the SEN register alongside those with more specific learning difficulties, such as dyslexia and dyspraxia.

Read more here in The Daily Telegraph

What do you think?

What do others learn from observing me?

I was delighted to have been invited to discuss parenting after the Riots at The House of Commons  and tonight I am on BBCRadio 5 Live discussing the governments answer as parents will be given £100 vouchers for lessons in how to handle their children in a Government bid to tackle a lack of family discipline.

The free vouchers, entitling parents up to 10 two-hour sessions on how to bring up their offspring, will be distributed through the high street chemist Boots.

The scheme – known as Can Parent – is said to be the brainchild of Steve Hilton, David Cameron’s strategy adviser who is leaving Downing Street for a sabbatical this summer.

It is thought to be designed to bolster the Prime Minister’s reputation as a traditional family man as well as try to combat the problems that led to last summer’s riots.

Mothers and fathers of children under the age of five will be eligible for the scheme, as will grandparents and other carers.

A pamphlet accompanying the voucher says: “We know that happy, confident mums and dads have happy confident children.

“Being a parent can be brilliant and challenging all at the same time. Children change so fast and every family is different. Sometimes you might find yourself unsure of how to handle and issue and want more advice to help you feel more confident.”

What are your thoughts?

Read more here

All people smile in the same language

~ Anon

I’ve just discovered downloading the Sunday papers on my Kindle ! Bliss !

So I read with interest Jemima Lewis’ article in The Sunday Telegraph about how paternity leave is good not only for children and mothers, but can help the economy, too.

What do you think ?

I had the great honour of being invited by my friend Melanie to be with her on Friday as she had her first scan of her growing baby at 12 weeks.

I can’t tell you the joy we both felt as Mel is 41 and this is her first longed for child. To see the baby kicking their little leg out will stay with me forever – what a joy and what a miracle.

But thousands of women miscarry, or experience stillbirth and this extraordinary woman Zoe Clark-Coates has lost five pre-term babies.

In this article in The Guardian she tells Kathy Hurst why she and her husband, Andy, set up Saying Goodbye for grieving couples like themselves.

Saying Goodbye  is a way for grieving couples to experience closure and  they have organised cathedral services in various cities in mainland Britain this summer – London, Exeter, Cardiff, Edinburgh, Birmingham and Manchester.

Everyone involved has donated their time – and contributions in kind – including clergymen and women, organists, choirs, florists and printers. Parents will be invited to light a candle at the service to commemorate their loss. With the backing of the Miscarriage Association, which celebrates its 30th anniversary this year, Zoe was able to approach numerous cathedrals. “Their response was amazing,” she says. “They immediately said this was exactly the kind of thing they should be doing, that there was such a need.”

Today, Zoe and Andy have two daughters, Esme, aged three and Bronte, eight months. But Zoe regards herself as a mother of seven, not as a mother of two. “I don’t want to forget the babies who were never born. They will always be a part of me,” says Zoe.

Read the full article here

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/may/12/miscarriage-saying-goodbye-services?newsfeed=true

 Further information, including a list of dates and locations for services, go to sayinggoodbye.org. The Miscarriage Association offers support and information to anyone affected by pregnancy loss: miscarriageassociation.org.uk

Parenting Special Needs Magazine FREE Subscription.

http://parentingspecialneeds.org/currentissue Click on cover to register

this excellent magazine helps parents navigate the uncharted waters of raising a special needs child. It provides practical tips, shares life’s lessons, tackles the challenges and celebrates the joys of one of life’s greatest gifts. Covering all ages and stages of guiding children/Individuals with special needs. Empowering parents, caregivers, teachers & friends of special needs children by providing resources, information and inspiration. http://parentingspecialneeds.org/

FREE Subscription as they would rather have special needs families spend money on their special needs child than to pay for a publication.